This week, my mind and heart travelled to one of those places that seem endlessly dark one that has you believe the worst is possible, my feet fumbled, my mind crashed into windowless walls and breathing was barely possible, my physical body mimicking all that my soul was feeling. A frantic call for a soothing voice was met with silence or worse " what do you want me to say"….
Violins are playing now, no i mean literally and there is such deep stirring created by them and in the same time light filters in , i am awake, alive i can not lie and it's becoming clearer to me how much i have been holding my breath since April of last year when Poet entered my life with the very second came the most profound happiness and the most fear. Everything else i realize is barely there, attempting not to feel to much, not to say to much, not to be yet at the same time wanting to teach her all that i am.
Do you ever miss yourself, perhaps it is not proper to say it out loud but i do i miss the carefree believer in me, now believing is a risk and even though i write this i know i have completely surrendered every hope, dream, blood cell to this. I am so In love with this little being, that it is taking all i have to not show her how terrified i am of breaking in a millions unrecognizable pieces and even a tenth of second thought that she will not be mine or moreso that i will not be hers.
Do you know how incredible she is, to hear her say "hi"is joy itself, to feel her little hands on your face and watch her pop her head around the corner and smile, to have her reach for you and nestle her head on your chest till she falls asleep……….in her glance, in her hand, in her laughter i recognize what pure love really is.
we go to court on wednesday no miracle will happen in court that morning but just maybe the beginning of the end to not being a hundred percent sure.
beautiful music here.